Surviving Thanksgiving With Borderline Personality Disorder: Boundaries, Rejection Sensitivity & Family Dynamics
Let’s be honest: the picturesque Thanksgiving moments we see in movies, showing happy families and complete turkey perfection, rarely occur in real life. In reality, the season tends to intensify already complicated family dynamics, resulting in emotional distress and overwhelm. The holiday season puts pressure on people to feel gratitude and happiness. These high expectations can inadvertently shame those who dare to feel otherwise.
When you’re living with borderline personality disorder (BPD), these emotions can feel especially distressing and overwhelming. BPD is a complex mental health condition affecting an individual’s ability to regulate emotions, often due to intense and complicated feelings. These emotions may involve a fear of abandonment, impulsivity, and overwhelming distress, which often result in unstable relationships. While BPD can make it more difficult to regulate these strong feelings, there are proven treatments that provide effective, lasting healing.
In this article, we explore rejection sensitivity and provide practical coping skills to alleviate the inevitable holiday stress. Whether you are struggling with BPD, supporting a loved one with the condition, or simply want extra strategies for managing complex emotions, this article will offer sustainable skills to guide you through holiday (and everyday) stressors.
Thanksgiving tends to evoke idealized images of a grateful, happy family. Sitting around a perfectly cooked turkey, a nuclear family laughs at PG jokes, with a slight edge yet tasteful enough for grandma to enjoy. Everyone enjoys the delicious meal and pleasant company, ending the evening with well-wishes until the next family gathering.
But perhaps more realistically, your cousin tells a political joke that your uncle strongly disagrees with, resulting in a quietly tense dinner, or worse, a full-on family fight. Someone ruined the mashed potatoes (the best dish), and now you can’t wait for the evening to end. You quietly slip out the door, dreading the next family gathering, and are filled with feelings of shame and disappointment in your unfulfilling holiday.
These idealized images aren’t just unrealistic; they’re outright harmful. Psychology Today notes, “it should not be surprising that the inflated expectations of the holidays can be a setup for disappointment and unhappiness.” These unachievable standards often set families up for disappointment, resulting in resentment and tension. The events of the day disrupt our normal routine and overwhelm becomes almost inevitable. When you have BPD, this overstimulation may provoke lashing out or social withdrawal. This may trigger BPD symptoms, snowballing into feelings of perceived rejection and abandonment. With heightened emotions, what would normally be perceived as neutral interaction may be misinterpreted as rejection, further intensifying emotional dysregulation.
Understanding Rejection Sensitivity - The Hidden Pain Behind Reactions
According to Grouport, rejection sensitivity is
Anticipation of this perceived rejection often leads individuals with BPD to withdraw and sabotage relationships; this in turn causes actual rejection, further confirming the individual’s fears. This vicious cycle becomes difficult to break, and may result in inflammatory comments, outbursts, and conflict.
While it may be hard to avoid rejection sensitivity, it’s possible to manage the emotional responses through proven strategies and therapies. At Bridges to Recovery, we treat BPD with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), an evidence-based modality developed specifically for individuals with BPD. DBT teaches skills for managing emotional dysregulation, and can help people reframe harmful thoughts about rejection. It also encourages interpersonal effectiveness, skills that can help individuals maintain their peace by establishing boundaries.
The Power of Boundaries - Protecting Yourself Without Cutting People Off
How many times have you heard the phrase, “I’m protecting my peace”, and wondered what exactly that meant? There are many effective ways to maintain your emotional harmony, and one of those ways is by setting necessary boundaries. Boundaries are essentially limits and guidelines we create to ensure our interactions remain safe and respectful with others and with ourselves.
Some examples include:
- Limiting discussion topics with family (e.g. “lets not talk about that right now please”)
- Setting specific contact restrictions (e.g. not being alone with a specific person)
- Limiting physical contact (eg. “I don’t feel like being hugged right now”)
- Taking a break from the situation by physically removing yourself (eg. walking away, taking a breather)
Setting boundaries can be difficult, but setting them is ultimately a form of self-care and self-compassion. You are entitled to privacy and comfort. It’s okay to protect yourself by avoiding an uncomfortable topic, or by taking a moment away from the situation to recoup. These can be set calmly and respectfully while still being clear. This may include using phrases such as “I’d rather not discuss that topic right now”, or redirecting the conversation through neutral diversion topics. While we can set firm boundaries, we can’t control our family’s response. What we can do, however, is prepare with coping skills and strategies to manage difficult situations that may arise.
Preparing for Thanksgiving - Coping Strategies for Individuals with BPD
Since we know that some people just don’t respect boundaries, it’s important that we have a backup plan for protecting our peace. Creating a strategy for difficult situations that may come up can alleviate some of the stress associated with holiday gatherings. This may include:
- Identify and plan for potential triggers: Recognize people, places, and situations that have the potential to be cueing, and create a plan of action if they come up
- Gameday plan: suggest smaller gatherings if a large group is triggering, or maybe shorter visits if the long days are overwhelming. Create a few ways to excuse yourself from the event if you become dysregulated
- Use DBT skills: Use emotional regulation, mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance skills. Practice paced breathing, create a Cope Ahead for potentially triggering moments, and/or use DEAR MAN skills to assert your boundaries respectfully and effectively
- Practice self-compassion: Take care of your body and mind before, during, and after the gathering. Get enough sleep, take a bath, read a book, or meditate.
- Reach out: Know when to ask for additional support in the form of therapists, support groups, or trusted friends. If you need additional support, know that Bridges to Recovery offers a safe residential environment to encourage sustainable healing
These methods may not completely remove the stress that goes along with complicated family dynamics, but they can help you or a loved one to regulate emotions better.
Supporting a Loved One with BPD During the Holidays
When someone you care about is struggling with intense emotions, impulsivity, and distressing outbursts, you may feel that there’s nothing you can do. This feeling of helplessness can be overwhelming, but fortunately, there are ways to effectively support your loved one with BPD. Start by educating yourself on borderline personality disorder and its symptoms. What are your loved one’s triggers, and what might cause them distress?
Instead of hoping for an uneventful evening, prepare for shifting moods. Remember to listen and respond to behaviors calmly and without judgement. Use the skills and strategies listed above to minimize potential outburst, and be sure to enforce your own and maintain others’ boundaries. You may not understand or agree with your loved one’s limits, but it’s important to recognize and respect them without judgment. And ultimately, be aware that asking for additional help may be necessary. Bridges to Recovery is here to support individuals and their families during emotional turmoil, encouraging healing within the whole family unit.
When to Seek Professional or Residential Support
At the end of the day, there’s only so much help we can provide before needing additional resources. It’s important to recognize when more mental health treatment is beneficial. Some signs include:
- Escalating self-harm, suicidal thoughts, severe emotional dysregulation, or overwhelming distress
- Inability to function in daily life
- Escalating or co-occurring conditions such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and substance use.
Taking the next step and asking for help can be terrifying, but it may be the catalyst for creating a life you love. When you seek support at Bridges to Recovery, you’ll be met with compassion and kindness throughout your healing journey. You’ll receive structured support designed to meet your unique needs. Expect to learn DBT and CBT skills, participate in holistic and experiential treatments, and meet a community that’s committed to your wellness. This intensive and thoughtful support may be the most effective environment during the high-stress Thanksgiving season by offering safety, community, and relief.
If you think you or a loved one may benefit from additional mental health help, reach out to our admissions team today for a confidential assessment. We’ll meet you wherever you are on your healing journey, because you don’t have to do this alone.
Hope and Healing
The truth is, as long as humans are involved, Thanksgiving will always involve some level of stress. Feeling overwhelmed is normal, and it’s okay. We can’t always control our environment, but we can control our responses. By understanding BPD, utilizing effective coping skills, and having professional resources, you can tackle the holidays with more confidence. Remember to give yourself some grace as you tackle this stressful season, and know that there’s a compassionate clinic nearby if it all becomes too much.
Living with BPD can be overwhelming, especially during the holidays, but healing is possible. Bridges to Recovery is here to support you and your loved ones throughout all of life’s seasons.
