I used to drink before important appointments like social functions, job interviews, and meeting my family. I was so nervous before my first big, adult office job, I knew I needed something to take the edge off, or I would be a complete mess–so I drank a beer in my car on the way to the interview. To my great misfortune, this tactic worked, reinforcing my belief that alcohol was somehow good for me. I recall that it seemed to work so well, that I figured I should drink before work on a regular basis. I had already been drinking before meetings at prior jobs, and even during work as a valet. I thought I had figured out some secret no one else ever thought of: drinking on the job. I made it through orientation just fine, but then on my third day, I drank way too much before work, got tired, and cussed out my very nice boss–who I remember was friendly to me and even asked me to come back, which I never did. Because not only was I routinely breaking the law before 9:00a.m., but I quickly fell into a major depression from the alcohol abuse, which spurred on an increasingly dangerous alcoholism that rapidly took hold of my life–and then took years of recovery to undo.
Through recovery, I experienced major episodes of anxiety, as if all the discomfort I had ever evaded through drinking found me, after all that time, and caught up to me. I am among one in five alcoholics with anxiety disorders and I suffered greatly from it. My family, it seemed at the time, couldn’t understand how alcohol was “helping” me, which added to my frustration, even while drinking. It disappointed them, leaving a lasting impression on them of me as a failure, which I could not live down in their lifetimes. My family wasn’t really involved in helping me get better, and we didn’t know how to talk to each other about our problems. Having failed at my job, I lived at home again, and my little brother and sister used to ask me to stop. Not wanting them to follow in my footsteps helped me turn a corner with my alcoholism.